4 Types of Friend Breakups & Why They Hurt So Much
Maybe it’s just me but I’m of the belief that a friend breakup is worse than an actual romantic breakup. Friends are people who aren’t supposed to break your heart. You’re vulnerable with friends - they know your secrets and weird quirks and love you all the same. It cuts you like a knife when a friend breakup occurs.
This summer I had many friendship breakups. It was basically a refresh of all my friendships. I evaluated all my friendships, evaluated how I approached friendships and manifested the type of friendships I wanted. I couldn’t be happier with where I am today in terms of friendships, but I know this isn’t something I’ve gone through on my own. Many people, especially in their 20s, experience some type of friendship breakup, so I wanted to dive into this a bit.
The Fight
This breakup normally happens in middle school or high school. This is when gossip, a rumor or an insulting jab behind the back becomes too much. I’ve had my fair share of these breakups in the past, whether my doing or another’s, but I haven’t had this happen much since the 12th grade. Typically as we mature, these types of breakups fade out as we become more mature and stop putting stock in gossip. These breakups still hurt no matter what - it’s a break of trust and loyalty. It’s the cheating of a friendship. It’s the realization that someone you consider a friend hurts you more than helps you.
The Ghost
This one is what I’ve dealt with the most. This is the type of breakup where you reach out and maybe get a few texts back. Then you reach out again to silence. You try again (maybe they’re busy) and still nothing. Maybe they like your Instagram pictures so you know they’re still alive but they’re not responding to you. I can’t even count how many people I experienced this with. I had many people after my wedding just stop texting me back. I had one person cancel hang out meetings for six months. These hurt because unlike an outright betrayal like above, this one is more the realization that you value someone more than they value you. These are the people that you don’t need in your life as they’re not true friends to you, but letting go of that relationship is none the less painful. This was what I dealt with the most this summer and I had to teach myself to find people who valued me and my friendship. If someone doesn’t value you, then you can’t be good friends to each other, period.
She’s Just Not That Into You
This isn’t necessarily a break up, but I think it still deserves to be talked about. Have you ever had that friend group that you consider friends - you invite them to birthday parties, check in with them, like all their Insta posts - just to realize that you’re not actually a part of the group? Have you ever had that feeling when your “friend group” all hang out every weekend, except forgot to text you? I have. So many times. I feel pathetic sometimes thinking about all these girls I chased after. I so desperately longed to be their friend. I could see it - why couldn’t they. It took a night this summer staring at an Instagram photo with tears in my eyes to realize how stupid I was. I would NEVER chase after a guy who didn’t want me so why did I spend years chasing after this friend group? Why did I want to be friends with people who never acted like friends to me? My breakup this summer was with me wanting to be a part of the group. I let it go. I realized that I didn’t want friends who didn’t want me. Guess what - my life improved.
The Growing Apart
The most subtle friendship breakup is the growing apart. It happens at any major life change (high school graduation, college graduation, marriage, etc.). This is when you wake up and realize you haven’t talked to so and so in months. It’s when you’re on the phone and realize you don’t have much in common anymore. It’s when you look back with fondness but know in your heart they don’t serve a place in your future. It’s tough, yes, but growing apart is necessarily to both of your developments.
Friendship breakups suck. I wish they didn’t happen. But this season of change I’ve come to accept that they are so needed. Friendships are meant to serve a purpose at certain times of your life. There are some that are life long friends, there are some that come in later and stay until the grave. Then there are others that serve a short season in your life. They all teach you lessons, they all shape you who become, they all play a role. But that doesn’t mean they all need to stay. When a friend leaves your life for whatever reason, it’s also important to let them leave your heart. Make room for a new friend. Make room for yourself. Make room in your heart to experience the soul-filled joy of a deep friendship. Take the breakup as a lesson to apply to new friendships and make them even sweeter. You will be okay.
Another important note is that you do have friends. If you’re going through a major transition in terms of friendships, recognize the people still there. You do have friends. You are loved. Reach out to those around you. Love them hard. Realize how blessed you are because you truly have the best people in your life.
Major shoutout to the amazing beautiful friendships I’m blessed to have now. While it’s a smaller circle than I’ve ever had, it’s also the most joyful, inspiring, uplighting circle. They’ve been there through thick and thin and I am so blessed.